HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
SUPPORTING MY TEEN ON THEIR PATH TO ACADEMIC SUCCESS
HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
SUPPORTING MY TEEN ON THEIR PATH TO ACADEMIC SUCCESS
Author : Suzanne Vallières, psychologist, speaker and mother
Our teens’ social lives have been deeply affected by the isolation caused by the pandemic. You may have noticed that your children have been more irritable, gloomy or anxious during this time. For some teens who were already more shy or nervous about social contact, going back to school can be a significant source of stress.
As a parent, how can you help your teen manage pressure at school and make them want to keep going?
WHAT DEFINES ACADEMIC SUCCESS? 🎓
Your child’s academic success is measured through their academic progress, of course, but it also depends on a number of social and psychological factors that are easy to overlook.
School is not just a place where young people go to learn: it’s also a place where they spend a lot of time! And to learn, it’s essential to be emotionally available.
Therefore, if a young person is very anxious, anticipates conflict with their friends or feels isolated, they aren’t likely to be ready to learn. A young person who has few positive social connections or is experiencing psychological distress at school may see their grades or attendance drop and may even be at risk of dropping out.
HOW SHOULD I REACT IF MY CHILD REFUSES TO GO TO SCHOOL?
✔ Accept and validate your child’s emotions:
Even if we, as parents, don’t find it hard to make friends and we liked going to school, it’s important to be attentive to your child’s perceptions and avoid saying things that might make them feel inadequate, such as: “It’s not so bad!” “You just have to be less shy!”.
Feeling heard and understood will encourage your teen to open up and prevent them from building up negative emotions.
🤔 Try to understand their refusal:
Instead of simply telling your teen that everything will be fine, try to open up the discussion by asking some non-judgmental questions: “What is it that’s hard for you at school?” What do you need?”.
Keep in mind that refusing to attend school is rarely due to ill will. Rather, it’s a way of avoiding distress that your child has found.
MY TEEN HAS PERFORMANCE ANXIETY. HOW CAN I HELP THEM MANAGE IT BETTER?
Grades are a significant source of school-related stress. Your children may be afraid of failing or worry about not meeting your/their expectations. Some parental attitudes can help reduce this academic performance anxiety and therefore improve your child’s well-being regarding school.
📑 Put grades into perspective
Your teen’s grades are important to ensure that they advance from one grade to the next, but you must remember that they don’t dictate how successful someone’s entire life is. At the same time, getting lower grades does not necessarily mean that your child is unintelligent or lazy.
🏃♀️ Encourage effort
It’s virtually impossible to succeed at everything in life. Focusing on your child’s efforts (and encouraging them to do the same) is an excellent way of nurturing a feeling of proficiency and a sense of achievement without pressuring them to perform. So, rather than focusing on the grade, you can ask your child if they made their best effort, note their progress/improvements and ask them if they’re proud of themselves. You can then look at their work to help them to continue making progress, while avoiding unconstructive criticism.
💪 Emphasize their other strengths
Teenagers who struggle with academics are afraid not only of failing, but also of disappointing their parents. They tend to think that they’re incompetent because they are not performing well academically; their self-esteem has taken a huge hit. For this, it’s beneficial to emphasize your child’s other strengths in your remarks and show them that you think that other parts of them are important too. Since teenagers are developing their identity, it can sometimes be hard for them to recognize their own skills. Therefore, it’s important to tell them about their positive attributes and make them feel valued.
Tip: the more concrete examples we give, the more our child will be inclined to believe us! For example: “You were really empathetic and attentive when your cousin was telling you her story” will have a greater impact than “You’re an empathetic person.”
You can suggest that your child do this exercise to help them identify their personal strengths and allow them to see themselves as a person, not as a collection of school subjects 👉 Download this student pamphlet “My personal strengths”
⚖Avoid comparisons
It can be easy to fall into the trap of comparing your child to their siblings or friends. Remember that each mind, each person is different, with their own strengths and challenges. If your child struggles more with academics, it’s important to help them develop other skills so they can flourish in areas outside of school.
Along with the school-related difficulties that your child may experience, they can often feel a number of negative emotions that are expressed at home. Remember that your teenager’s anger or frustration is not directed at you, even if their behaviour can make it seem that way. It’s actually good news: your teen trusts you enough to express their emotions with you!
The most important thing is that your teen feels that you’re there for them despite their emotional outbursts and challenges, and that you can enjoy spending time together ❤.
In this video, you’ll find testimonials in which students talk about their academic performance anxiety and how they deal with it:
WATCH THIS WEBCONFERENCE WITH SUZANNE VALLIÈRES AND MARIE-HÉLÈNE VÉRONNEAUX ABOUT ACADEMIC FAILURE (in french only) :
Need to talk about what you’re experiencing with your teen?
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Learn more about the author and her books
Suzanne Vallières, a psychologist, has been working in the media field since 1996. In addition to working with various magazines, she offers the results of more than 25 years of experience with young people as a specialized trainer, therapist, lecturer, mother of three children and grandmother. She is the author of the successful “Survival Tips for Parents” series, which has been translated into six languages, the Survival Guide to Disciplining Children Aged 0 to 10, the Survival Guide for Exhausted Parents and the Survival Guide for Grandparents.
